Lessons in Bachelorhood

(This was recycled from my old Myspace Blog)

This is just a sampling of what I've learned going through life as a single male, living on my own. Each of these lessons may not have sprung from my own individual experience, yet I've learned it nonetheless. If this helps even just one bachelor out there, then all was worthwhile. I know how hard it is to not get accurate information about sex, women and life from your "boys" because they're too focused on bullshitting about what they've ACTUALLY experienced.

Flashback to 1989, one of my friends just happened to swipe one of his dad's porno videos, so the rest of us guys rushed over to his house to watch it. As the guy changed positions, he was sticking his penis into different holes. As he did this, we were all trying to figure out which hole it was in. I asked one of my friends, "which hole is he in now?" My best friend replies, "he's in the putt." I replied, "what the fuck is the putt?!?!" He exclaims, "it's the hole between the pussy and the butt." 'NUFF SAID! A bunch of fucking virgins, pretending like we knew what the hell were talking about.

Living as a bachelor, I've learned that:

1. Size DOES matter

2. You're going to eventually have to learn how to cook. So buy a "wok" you can do anything in it from boiling water to frying an egg. In doing so, you only need one pan.

3. "No" doesn't mean no. It just means, you need to try harder, try a new approach, spend more money, use a breathmint, or buy a bigger diamond.

4. It's funny how far the words, "thank you" and "sorry" can get you in life.

5. A Porno is NOT a good source for sexual education.

6. You can't rub her down there THAT hard! Apparently, it hurts, unlike what the movie shows.

7. Women only have 2 usable holes down there!!! You cannot put your thing in that third one. They pee out of there, but that's it!

8. I guess it starts to hurt them after 30 minutes of doing it non stop, that's why they fake it sometimes.

9. You CAN get cooties from kissing girls! It's just called "hepatitis" and "herpes simplex" by adults.

10. It never says it in the bottle, but I guess you SHOULD NOT use a facial exfoliator on the soft skin under your eyes, but you can use it anywhere else. Apparently, it's very sensitive, and the shit will start peeling!

11. Mimicking a musical instrument with any part of your body or bodily function is not impressive to women....unless you can play the bass drum with your one drum stick...

12. Regardless of whether or not you are paying attention to them, women don't think you are LISTENING to them unless you are LOOKING at them. You can point your ears directly at them, but apparently the EYES are the part that should be facing them...even if you truly aren't even listening. Just nod your head.

13. Contrary to popular belief, there is NO right answer to the question, "do i look fat?" Live with it!

14. Ex-girlfriends are not around to MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

15. It's always that fat or dorky girl you made fun off in highschool who's going to turn out HOT.

16. Here's a scenario: If say you're sitting around with your girl talking about things that somewhat sound like nonsense, like her asking you if you ever thought about trimming your pubic hairs or something, PAY ATTENTION to this conversation! This is the kind of conversation that will get your NUTS shaven while you are sleeping.

17. There is NEVER a RIGHT time to bring up that you want to do a threesome with her best friend. NEVER!

18. Hardcore porn DOES NOT turn them on like it does us. Apparently, they need some sort of plot.

19. DRAMA is INESCAPABLE! The degree of drama that will occur is inversely proportional to how much you want it. If you DON'T want drama at all, then you get LOTS of it.

20. PMS can hit 30 times a month.

21. Unless you have a unibrow. Plucking your eyebrows into thin lines is gay! Look behind you real fast and you'll see your boys laughing at you. If ALL of you do it, then you look like a bunch of gay guys out on the town, so shake your thang girlfriends!

22. If you're going to be stuck in a bomb shelter, and the only one left with you is an ugly chick to repopulate the earth, don't forget to stock lots of beer. Mankind needs you.

23. ALWAYS remember a girl's name (a skill I have yet to master)!

24. You are never more attractive to women than when you are TAKEN.

25. If you JUST want to have SEX with her, be a jerk. If you want to marry her, be a gentleman. The hoochies and gold diggers want the jack-ass, and the good ones want the gentleman.

26. Standing around all night holding that drink at a club, does NOT make you look cool! The girls notice that you've been standing around the bar all night staring. Who are you fooling? It's a DANCE club, go dance!

27. Women have this inexplicable notion that the DEFAULT position of the toilet seat is DOWN. I know, i know..it doesn't make sense. It's the middle position. If anything, the default position should be either UP or CLOSED. The whole time you've been alive, not once did your bare ass ever fall into the toilet bowl. Yes, because women lack the hand-eye-butt coordination to LOOK first before they sit down, we are eternally punished to leave the seat down. In this instance, do not try to use REASON. Just HUMOR them.

28. In the short run, it's easier to lie. In the long run, it's easier to tell the truth.